When I lived in New York, I met a woman who had a boyfriend a.k.a. baby daddy, a.k.a. man friend….for ten years! Yes folks-ten whole years! There was a point where they were engaged to be married, but they canceled their engagement yet still remained together. I do not know all of the background details nor if they are still together, but I was amazed they were together for that long and they were not in their twenties. That is not something I subscribe to if I am in a relationship.
This works very well for Tempest Bledsoe and Darryl Bell, who are life partners, but let me ask you this question ladies: Do you just want to be a girlfriend forever, or do you want more? If you just want the girlfriend or life partner title without legal marriage, in the words of Tabitha Brown “that’s your business”….but I don’t. I am tired of the girlfriend title because it does not mean a damn thing if there is no growth in a relationship and it does not completely lead to a serious commitment. In my twenties, I conditioned myself to be in a whatever mood because I was happy to be claimed as “his girlfriend.” However, after time passed I began to wonder what are we doing? Bae and I have goals, but do our goals align with our relationship? If not, let’s part ways amicably and continue pursuing our goals. I do not define the girlfriend title as a full commitment. This is an unpopular opinion I am expressing to some of society out there, but let’s just agree to disagree and keep it moving if you do not comply with this blog entry. Sometimes, we as women get so caught up in letting the man make the decision for our relationship that we settle and take what we can get. Other times we get so caught up in the “I need a ring on my finger” mentality that we don’t think about what a marriage really means in the future. That is not a fair way to treat ourselves if we desire marriage (this also goes for men too who are in this same boat). I was having a conversation with some girlfriends, and one lady said “You know, I’m just ready to get wifed up if the guy knows what he wants and I do too. Like, let’s get married tomorrow!” Obviously, more discussion takes place with that mentality, but she is not the only one who shares this opinion. Many of us feel the same way. I’ve heard this in various conversations but realized we are so afraid of scaring men off when expressing our sincere thoughts. Perhaps some men are afraid of sharing their thoughts too, but I am speaking from my perspective.
When you hear the words “I just want to see where this goes”, this is known as a flow mentality. This mentality can mean a lot of things. It can mean either it works or it doesn’t, that person might still not know what they want or they need to get to know you to see if there is chemistry to build upon. It’s that simple. At the end of the day, the relationship still has to flow somewhere. Hopefully, it flows and grows rather than stay stagnant, shrivel up and die. I hear of so many situationships that spurn from this flow mentality and have experienced it myself and got stuck (see my blog entry I Got a Jones in My Bones to read about it). When I finally woke up from this mentality, I wondered why did I stayed with that guy for so long and said I will never do this again. Whether you were scared to start the dating cycle over again or really hoping something would come out of the relationship, you have to figure out what you really want. Personally, I do not like wasting my time with question marks that dwell for a very long period of time, whether it’s six months or longer. Many folks call this the biological clock but I call this an expression…don’t waste my time.
Now the wife title is another discussion, but I am only saying if the girlfriend title is what you want to stick with then that is fine. However, that title is not my cup of tea. Some may ask so what do you call bae? Is he your boyfriend, man friend or what? I reply “I’m in a committed relationship.” The older you get, the less folks really care if y’all are boyfriend or girlfriend because it does not seem to really solidify if both of you are committed to only each other. This also causes much confusion with defining exclusive relationships or the infamous “friend” title versus a committed relationship. Either way, I’m not looking to be a professional girlfriend.
Phew! Now that I got those thoughts out of my head please carry on with your day 🙂