Journal entry from March 20, 2020:
I had a choice to live in fear or live in faith. Every year I always unplug lowkey for a couple weeks. I like to escape to undisclosed locations. These escapes re-energize me for my daily life journey. This time I chose to randomly travel and unplug internationally. My trip was already paid for when Rona wanted to come and ruin the party. The interesting part was how prepared I already was for this before I even knew it. Long before Rona came, I was out of shape and not drinking water regularly. I had no motivation to cook so I ate out a lot. Since I stayed home most of 2019, I wanted to socially interact with people more which caused me to neglect my normal chores.
In all this, I met a wonderful friend who I allowed to stay with me who has such a serving spirit. She would do a lot of things for me with such love that it shocked me. I openly told her I was not motivated to do a lot but she had no issue with voluntarily helping out while residing at my place. I never asked her to lift a finger but she did. I would just sit and watch and be like…ok I’ll let her handle that. Slowly, I started getting back to the habitual Eryn I knew. The Eryn who worked out 3-4 times a week. The Eryn who cleaned every week. The Eryn who enjoyed baking homemade cookies. The Eryn everyone was used to seeing in all smiles and not this current dark state behind closed doors.
I started doing this slowly back in August and started working out twice a week just to kick this off. I struggled, but 2 months later realized I was getting in better shape. I started cooking again toward the end of 2019. My coworkers always saw me bring my lunch, but I needed help by ordering from Freshly’s each week. It helped with my budget and my weight maintenance. I came across an affordable trip to Thailand and asked a girlfriend to join me. This was the perfect getaway into the New Year even if I did no other trips. Then 2020 comes and so does Rona. When I saw how bad the corona virus outbreak grew in China, I knew it would get worse and wondered if it was worth going or not.
I prayed, researched, spoke to many professionals and watched how this disease affected the world every day. I felt I was supposed to go to Thailand. When my girlfriend ended up not going, I wondered if this was a trip I was supposed to do by myself with people I didn’t know. The only person I knew was my homeboy D, but I in reality I would travel to another country no knowing anyone. That is crazy right? He called and we spoke and still wanted to do the trip. I had already been embarking on this health trip and been vaccinated to the nines. I remember telling D “I am not gonna live at home in fear, but awareness”. Seeing the viral infection cases increase in to the US, I was struck with this sudden thought, “bump that-I’m going to live even if this will be the international trip for awhile. I am going there and I will come back healthy”. I will never regret that decision. Even though I did not tell many people, I had random friends that I have not spoken to in years tell me how crazy I was for traveling based off of my photos that I posted on social media (although I did not reveal where I was). I only thought “O ye of little faith.” More questions popped up that were ignorant. I shut those responses down and unfriended folks. Seeing all the negative posts versus the reality kept me really quiet. I just sat and watched things unfold while enjoying the peaceful times on the beach with mad cool people.
This vacation was so awesome. I had a room to myself where I could walk out on a balcony and stare at the palm trees and water while journaling. Most people think I am not okay being by myself when I cherish times like this. I enjoyed the me-time I had to sit, marinate and reflect on what has happened in my life…by myself with no one around. Being alone does not mean you’re lonely. Sometimes you can be lonely in a room full of people and folks think you are ok. This feeling contracsts to being at home by yourself at extreme peace to just enjoy…you. My close friends who knew where I was checked on me as Rona made the world get crazier and gave me some sound advice prior to returning to the United States. They didn’t have to do that, but for them thinking of me during this crazy time, to my close friends-I love y’all to the moon and back. Had I chosen to stay home out of fear, I would have never experienced Thailand and returned with new friendships and memories. Not only that, but realize how much I enjoy the time I have to myself without feeling the need to be around so many people. You should try it-it’s so much fun discovering a different aspect of yourself, by yourself. When you do, share with me what you learned about yourself.
2 thoughts on “To Live in Fear or Faith”
Yeah… the moment you start allowing fear to have the driver seat, you’re no longer in control of your life.
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Great blog Eryn!…I truly admire your resilience, strength, and tenacity in the face of adversity. Having experience a moment of tribulation, it is indeed a wonderful thing to know that God appointed someone who possessed a “serving spirit,” to lovingly assist with the daily upkeep. During an hour where darkness endeavored to overshadow that which you know yourself to be…”the habitual Eryn you knew”….you persevered, failing to allow it the victory!..You’re decision to proceed with plans to travel abroad, despite any potential ramifications, opinions, or naysaying regarding the choice during the pandemic, is in my opinion a testament to your level of FAITH!..(GOD gave the green light, and apparently knew that it was needed then and there! 👌)…In your obedience, you were able to reflect, marinate, and experience an even deeper oneness of self, which is indeed a beautiful thing!..Salute sis!…Great blog indeed!!
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